Our Yesterdays

Misguided promise of innocence and love
Its embrace consumes me
Brings with it an awareness
And shades of redemption
Together they summon
My stolen light
Before sentencing me
To the darkness
That delivers me to the grief
That withers and dissolves
My strength, my resolve
And leaves me alone with
The ashes of our yesterdays

Tempest

In the beautifully raging skies
Thunder sounds
Like a savage whisper
Striking lonely
And in Anger
To destroy
In the wet and heavy air
Energy pulsates
Like a heart beat
Racing faster
And in anticipation
Of release
Amidst it all
I stand,
With bare feet
Near naked
Feeding on her energy,
Her life.
Taking it in to replace what I’ve lost,
Replenish what she took from me,
The rain washing away the sorrow and the grief.
Thunder crashing and clapping,
Snapping me awake and into awareness.
Lightning illuminating even the darkest of secrets,
And bringing them out to be cleansed.

Merit Badge

I wear loneliness like a boy scout wears a merit badge,
but laugh with a strange and delicious ease at your discomfort.
Understanding your questions,your grave concerns,
but too dead inside to give you the answers you deserve.

Numb

I watch her walk through my life, wearing my face and answering to my name.
I feel her going through the motions, changing diapers, washing my hair, buying the groceries, but I do not really feel.
Numb to the core. My legs feel like they are not my own.
My mind wanders in and out and leads me both home and astray. My life is like a movie, and I have a front row seat, but no date and I forgot the popcorn.
Something is missing.
But she can’t figure out what it is. I can’t put my finger on it, on anything.
The persistent proverbial fog has yet to lift.
So I watch her wander, through my childhood, adolescence, adulthood so far, childbirth, motherhood, joy, exaltation, loss and grief.
I watch her sink; fall farther away from herself, from me, until there is nothing left to watch.
The screen is blank.
The silence overwhelms me as I drown in recognition.
I have allowed my grief to consume me, define me. Slowly, painfully, the tears come and wash the fog away.
It was easier to be numb, to be flat, to be the audience. The hot salty tears etch canyons in my cheeks as they make their way to my chin and then fall to the ground.
Each one forcefully reminding me that I have too long been away from myself, too long denied them their release, afraid to confront the pain and uncertainty they represent.
Too long.
Grieving takes too long.

A Strange Thing, Memory

It's the little things I remember.
The under-roos and the wrestling moves,
Saturday morning cartoons and spontaneous outbursts of song.
The Garbage Pail Kids stickers on everything
And the arguments over nothing.
It's a strange thing, memory.
How it dredges up the smallest, seemingly meaningless, events
And plays them over and over again.
Like my own personal drive in theater without the stale popcorn and heavy breathing.
You're gone, but my memory refuses to let you go.
Instead, insisting on reminding me of every peanut butter and jelly-stained sandwich we ever shared, every prank we ever pulled, every gray hair we ever caused our mother, and every second we ever wasted.
You're gone, and it's the little things I remember.
The nausea I felt when she told me you were dead.
The smell of sage and chemicals in the funeral home.
The way your hair fell softly away from your face as we said goodbye.
The kindness you inspired in strangers.
It's a strange thing, memory.
But it's all I have left of you.

Dangling Perceptions

The Gods
My mother
I hated them all once upon a time
Hate is a strong word
intentionally
Strong but inept
Afraid is better, more to the point
but weaker
And weakness is a sin
Sin
is a failure to meet all of the
expectations laid upon you, me, us
By the Gods
and Mom alike
I used to dangle
on their impending disappointment
my impending failure
They had no reflection, authority, purpose, except in me
Funny
In me
The one who hated them all.

Swimming

I watch as you drown
offer my hand
refused
You drown as I cry
offer my tears
accepted
You ask as I answer
offer more questions
ignored
We watch as we die
offer no resistance
expected

The pool is full.