For Lack of a Penis

Failed faery tales and disembodied dreams
Masculinity not desired and apology not an option.

The men in my family,
Proud Mexican men
Have first born sons.
They have daughters too.
But not first,
Never first.
What then, was he to do with me.
The audacity with which I entered the world,
first in line, potentially the only one in line.
What was I thinking,
leaving my womb without my penis?
A mistake that would earn me a lifetime
of reminders of my inadequacies.
An affront to his masculinity, his machismo.
He blamed my mother,
said she didn't eat enough meat
to make a boy.
In seventh grade,
we learned about sex,
the kind you have and the kind you are.
Funny how one little stroke is all that separates
an X from a Y.
I told my father that he was to blame
for my lack of a penis.
That I hadn't forgotten it at all.
There was never a penis to forget.
Again with the audacity,
the affront,
and this time, it was me who didn't eat enough meat
to keep me sane.
God is punishing me he said, but I was the one who got the spanking.
He left.
Reproductive disappointment overwhelmed him.
Three sons could not make amends for
the usurper,
for me.

His failed faery tales and disembodied dreams,
Masculinity not desired and apology not an option.
At least not by me.